Monday, January 12, 2009

Mommy Dearest

Hi, my name is Shannon, and I do not want to be a mother.

From the reaction I usually get from people, I would have to say that this is one of my most controversial stances. It's pretty funny if you ask me. People are always offended when I say things like, "No, I am just too selfish to be a mother." I really do not understand why.

If I were to do anything good for the universe, it would be to not procreate. You see, I'm a decent person. I abide by the law. I pay taxes. I try to stay away from credit card debt, but none of these things really mean I should have a child. In reality, I even have a tiny bit of a maternal instinct. That tiny bit is completely eclipsed by my knowledge of the absolute truth that I should not have children. I know me better than you do, so don't tell me that I will grow out of it or it is against nature for a young woman to not desire to have a child of her own. I hear of women that ache for a child, and that's wonderful. I am glad there are people in this world who truly love children. I'm glad that these people can ooh and awe for what seems like hours over the sight of a child spitting up on itself. What they call cute, I call nauseating.

Please, don't get me started on how I feel on pregnancy. I'm not a big fan of symbiotic relationships. Fetuses are the biggest and most popular parasites. I would rather not think of some life-form sucking my nutrients through a fleshy tube. This is the thing that gets me. People always tell me that there is no way a woman cannot truly desire being a mother. I do not see how hard this is to disprove. Either I am not a woman, or I really do want children. Considering, I would rather throw myself down a flight of stairs than actually carry a child to term; I'm thinking I really don't want children. Also, I have ovaries, and I shower with myself daily. If anyone knows that I'm a woman, it would be me. Let me guarantee you. I am a woman.

I guess all of this is brought on by me living with my brother. He has a beautiful three year old daughter and a striking one year old boy. I love them a lot, no really. When my niece was born I never thought I would really attach myself to her. Soon she had me eating out of her hand like a domesticated fawn. I adore her. This does not make me want to have one of my own. In fact, after about two hours with her I am usually ready to hand her back and say "Thanks, I'll call again in a couple months". I'm really not a monster. I think I was just born without that gene that made me want to give birth to anything.

Don't tell me I'm just young. Don't tell me I need to keep my internal organs intact.

I promise you. I know what I'm doing.


  1. I feel the same about children, which isn’t so surprising given that I’m a man. I enjoyed helping to look after each of my two nieces when they were small, and their affection is very charming, but I wouldn’t care to give birth, and I certainly wouldn’t want the tremendous responsibility of fatherhood – not to say having children who grow up to be adolescents who hate me.

  2. When I visualize myself with a teenage daughter I see her giving me the Puerto Rican neck swing to me _once_ and then me grabbing her by her pony-tail, her bleached ends curling around my fingertips, as I am spitting venom from my now fanged mouth. I then proceed to smash her face repeatedly into the first expensive vase or other glass/ceramic/hard surface I could find. Then, when my eyes are fully bloodshot, and my chin covered in froth from my rabid soul, I will hiss “What boy will ever love your horrid face now, you little twat."

    Whew. Shivers just went down my spine.

  3. I found it quite exciting too. I think I must watch too many violent films.

  4. Having grown up with some Puerto Ricans, I can understand trepidation over the idea of having a daughter of PR descent.

    Much like my fear of having a son, what with all my stubborn German genes. Thankfully, I have daughters (unthankfully, the stubborn German genes know no gender....I'm just glad they don't have the Puerto Rican neck swing).

    You might grow out of might not....but what's important is that you make your choices for you, not anyone else.

  5. I look forward to reading your blog when your daughters hit puberty! Am I being mean?

  6. Ahh.. I totally understand how you feel because I feel the same myself. And I'm sooo tired of people thinking I'm an evil bitch because I do not like or want children.

  7. I know how you feel. After about two hours with Ariana I'm ready to pack up in my own little world and soothe myself. Children are fucking hard to handle. I want to be like, early 30s when I have one.

    Imagine two weeks stuck within 30 feet of a 4 year old... and old people with seemingly endless patience for children (but not for girlfriends)... guh.

    I shudder.

  8. I do understand! And I agree, maybe you're not cut out for it and it's very wise to know that now rather than after you have one. I'd still maybe want to shower with you to be absolutely sure you're a woman.

    I sort of felt the same about wanting to keep out of that complication because it changes your life completely. However now working with kids again, I can also understand what people might feel like when they want to have them.

    My problem is: I fall in love with almost every kid I teach for even a day. I wonder what it might be like to have one of my own and see how badly I can screw them up over a lifetime.

    Hey, that reminds me. Didn't we once discuss spawning little Noclings together one day? I believe we intended to use them them as a weapon with which to take over the world.

  9. I do do do understand. I spoke the same way when people asked me about having kids. Lately, I've been waffling about the idea of breeding. Something inside me tells me I have more of the tools to raise a child than I did when I was 22,23,etc. Perhaps it comes from teaching children, and getting experience in exacting discipline and forming bonds through being a mean ol' coach that demands respect. I don't really know.

    But I, too, was too selfish at one time to have kids. Didn't want to deal with my body getting all fucked up just yet. Over the last two years I have started to feel like I've done a lot for myself and maybe I can share more of my time developing another human. I could also be full of it.

    All I know is, I don't look down at you at all for knowing yourself and knowing your capabilities. I just have more respect!

    Except of course, now how are we going to have our lesbian Sicilian-Puerto Rican Superbabies?

  10. Sorry, Noc, but Tuesday's offer sounds much more inviting. I do love other people's kids as well. I love them in the way that I can give them back whenever I can't handle them anymore. I could NEVER work with children though. Never.

    Tuesday- You have my number! I respect that women can change their minds. I change my mind about alot of things, but I just ask that certain people understand that I don't say these things just to be quirky. I say them because I know, for a fact, that I would not be a good mother right now, and probably ever.

  11. Hey sugar, who says you have to choose? You have enough eggs in your ovaries to spawn a demonic army of horrifying Noclings AND medical-technology induced lesbian Sicilian-Puerto-Rican superbabies! It's not like you'll need to keep any of those eggs for yourself.

  12. And for that reason I will never tell you that someday you will change your mind. After all, even knowing what I do know doesn't mean I really know what you are going to know, you know?

    And you DO have to choose. I do not share my lesbian lovers.

  13. If this were King David's judgment I would totally have won right now.

  14. Luckily, we do not live in the time of one King David.

    Eat my shorts.

  15. I'm sorry, but when she gets like this I get all hot and bothered. It's TP to the DEATH.